Eliza! Eliza!

As a professional comedian, I am frequently asked to “say something funny”. You know, like how architects are always asked to “draw something buildingy” at parties. Like how people are always saying “real quick - remove my moles!” to doctors at movie theaters? No?  That doesn’t happen? Hm. Weird.

Last week - as I was being wheeled into surgery*, on a gurney, in a hospital gown with a goddamn IV in my arm - my doctor demanded I say something funny to the nurse. “Go ahead! She’s a comedian - she’s really funny. Do a joke.”

Because it is scary to be in a hospital with a bunch of strangers about to knock you out and poke around inside of you, I was not feeling “hilarious”. So I replied, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m kind of off the clock right now.”

You would think I had just said “Eat a dick, Whitey.” And I kind of wish I had.

“Uh! Whuh! Well, I met Sarah Silverman the other day, and SHE would have told a joke when I asked.”

“Sorry. I guess you should operate on Sarah Silverman then?” The nurse laughed. “And I just made your nurse laugh, so I guess I did say something funny.”

So what I am saying is that I probably have a fork sewn into my intestines now.

*Don’t worry about it. Same old broken gut, nothing too bad.