Eliza! Eliza!

Me too, man. ME. TOO.

Listen, I get it. Anyone who would want to run for president has an evil twisted mind and a god complex. I fully believe that. All these guys are creepy Frankenstein meglomaniacs, getting and giving handjobs to big businesses. Congress too! I’ve seen Mr. Smith Goes to Washington! I’ve seen every documentary that reaffirms your belief that the system is totally fucked. It is. It completely is.

But this is what we’re working with. Please vote anyway. And please vote for Obama.

For the last 11 years we have been so bombarded with fear and double crosses, we don’t know who to trust anymore. So we don’t trust anyone. Someone owns the news, someone owns the scientific studies, and no one is telling the truth. Fine. Sure. But here is something that you do know, and can see with your own eyes: human beings are being denied basic human rights in this country. 

Our economy is fucked. I know that. I haven’t heard any concrete plan that I know can fix that, from either side. But more importantly — and this is my real point — this time will not be remembered for it’s economics, but for it’s social policy. History doesn’t give a fuck about our gas prices. They will definitely get worse. And they will definitely get better. What matters in the long run is whether we choose to grant or deny basic rights to gay people, and women. 

It’s not hard - at this point the tide is so in favor of equal rights that it’s inevitable. The end of slavery in America was inevitiable at one point, but part of the country held on so tight to that shitty idea that tons of people died over it. Let’s learn from our past mistakes. Get on the right side of history and give people their freedoms. Let gays marry, let women be in charge or their own bodies, and let each individual run their own intimate life.*

They say that social issues are a smoke screen to obscure the real economic issues. Ok, fine - I’ll see your conspiracy and raise you one: we are economically fucked either way. They are never going to tell us who is really getting paid for what. We’re always going to get lied to and we’re always going to get the short end of the stick. But we as citizens and human beings need to do what we can to feel proud of ourselves as individuals. For me, that includes voting for the candidate who has demonstrated a respect for the rights of women and gay people. 

Take it from some dummy sitting next to her cat in bed - not a paid pundit or “journalist” whose job depends on it. Your vote can do something. It can help people. 

-Eliza

*You don’t like abortion? NOBODY DOES! Counsel women and help them find alternatives to abortion and unprotected sex. Everyone should get to own their own body though.

In the past few months there has been a lot of talk about who and what is or isn’t funny. Rape isn’t funny, pathetic women aren’t funny, Aurora isn’t funny, prejudice isn’t funny, and - everyone’s old favorite - women in general just aren’t funny. Every couple of weeks someone says “YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!!!” about something or someone and a debate ensues. Ironically, the only that is definitely NOT funny are these boring diatribes about comedy rules that do not exist.

As comedians, we are artists and every artist needs to have strong opinions. That’s how we figure out what we want to talk about and how we want to do it. For instance - I know that I’d rather shove a pinecone up my asshole than sing a political parody song. Knowing that gets me one step closer to narrowing in on the type of things I DO want to do in my act. I’m never going to tell anyone else THEY shouldn’t compose and perform Mitt Me With Your Best Shot, though. Because that would move me from the realm of opinionated artist and into straight-up asshole. 

We need to recognize that our opinions are just that: opinions, and our own. Not facts, and not shared by everyone. Guess what? YOU can think women aren’t funny. Go ahead. You can also think hot bananas taste delicious and not at all like angry wet farts. Personally, I disagree, but who cares? My disagreement doesn’t prove you wrong, and neither does an 8 page rant about it. The only thing that proves funny is being funny. 

Comedians, cultivate your opinions. But also cultivate your funny. And the next time you feel the need to tell someone else that they/their jokes are not funny - or tell someone that nu-uh, you/rape/buttholes ARE funny - how about you shut up and go do your job. Write a joke about it.

(And yes, I do recognize the inherent irony in this post, but at least I put in that shit about the hot bananas.)