Eliza! Eliza!

As a professional comedian, I am frequently asked to “say something funny”. You know, like how architects are always asked to “draw something buildingy” at parties. Like how people are always saying “real quick - remove my moles!” to doctors at movie theaters? No?  That doesn’t happen? Hm. Weird.

Last week - as I was being wheeled into surgery*, on a gurney, in a hospital gown with a goddamn IV in my arm - my doctor demanded I say something funny to the nurse. “Go ahead! She’s a comedian - she’s really funny. Do a joke.”

Because it is scary to be in a hospital with a bunch of strangers about to knock you out and poke around inside of you, I was not feeling “hilarious”. So I replied, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m kind of off the clock right now.”

You would think I had just said “Eat a dick, Whitey.” And I kind of wish I had.

“Uh! Whuh! Well, I met Sarah Silverman the other day, and SHE would have told a joke when I asked.”

“Sorry. I guess you should operate on Sarah Silverman then?” The nurse laughed. “And I just made your nurse laugh, so I guess I did say something funny.”

So what I am saying is that I probably have a fork sewn into my intestines now.

*Don’t worry about it. Same old broken gut, nothing too bad.

I know, fellas - It’s pretty tricky to figure out how to approach a lady. Even more so online. What do you say?! How much? When? WHY WONT SHE JUST COME OVER AND LOOK AT YOUR DOG AND PENIS?????? Well, as a lady, I have gotten more than a few emails from men online. Based on the emails I have received, here are a few tips for crafting yours:

1. A good way to stand out from the crowd is to start by pointing out any spelling or grammar errors in her profile. Nothing says “I’m going to be super fun on a date!” like “Too many semi-colons.”
2. A lot of ladies are “almost perfect”, but don’t know why. Grr! Don’t keep your new gal in the dark. Tell her straight out -
   “You’re almost perfect, except too short.”
   “You’re almost perfect, except too much eyebrows. Gross!”
   “You’re almost perfect, except you like Dirty Dancing and that movie blows, stupid! Lololololol, hahaha, also tacos.” 
   It’ll be a fun reminder of trying to wish her dad home from business trips when she was a kid!
3. Pay close attention to the time you send your message. Everybody and their brother emails during the day. BORING! Try reaching out at a sexier time, like 3am on a Tuesday, or 9pm on a Friday. Let her know what time of day you are sitting at home, alone, staring at the ceiling with your dick in your hand.
4. Don’t “bust your hump” writing email after email to different girls. Just write one and cut and paste it to a bunch of different ladies! They can’t tell the difference! Better yet, make her do the work and just send a note that says “hi, u.” That way you don’t even have to read her profile! Or be literate at all. Can you read this? Oranges? People phone? Karrowanger flim flak? Hi, u!
5. If you are a middle aged virgin who hates taller men but always pays for dinner, that is part of what makes you special and quirky. TELL HER ABOUT IT! You gotta sell yourself, brother.
6. Definitely don’t beat around the bush! Yes, ask her what books she’s reading, but don’t forget to ask her right away if she likes to suck cock. Not everyone does! It’s important to know up front, and it will be a question she really wants to answer, so she’ll for sure write back.
7. A fun word to use a lot is “obsessed”. As in “I’m obsessed with my dog” or “I’m obsessed with the way my dog smells” or “I have a hard time getting erect around humans.”
8. When in doubt, remember that everyone loves a good story, and ladies especially love to laugh. Send her a detailed account of the time you shit your pants in your pick-up truck outside a stranger’s house. And GET READY FOR TONS OF TAIL.