May 2013
1 post
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
There has been a lot of back and forth this week, about male comics and rape jokes. Specifically one (pretty green, it seems) comic’s rape jokes.
I got mad - not about the things this guy said, but the blind agressive defense of his “right” to say them when a journalist brought up how they made her feel as a female audience member. The battle against free speech is not going to...
April 2013
8 posts
keithashley asked: fully support you on the strike Eilza! the RVA well me anyway has yo' back OHS style!
luvvdivine asked: Not a question. Just supporting you and the other Fashion Police writers.
ourfilms asked: Is this strike extending past Fashion Police? A lot of my friends love it, but Fashion Police isn't really my thing, but if there are other WGA strikes going on I don't want to watch scab programs.
1 tag
What to say if you are asked to write for Fashion...
I stand with the writers of your show, and won’t work while they are on strike.
Sorry, I don’t feel comfortable getting involved during this strike - but your show is great and I would love to work with you once this is all settled.
I am currently divorcing Jessica Alba’s butt - so legally, I can’t write jokes about it right now.
Oh no! You caught me in the airport - I am on my way to...
1 tag
Bridgetown reviews
Me on Bridgtown: IT WAS THE BEST.
Superslice on me (at Bridgetown):
2 tags
Thanks, Portland!
Once again, the Bridgetown Comedy Festival was a blast!
And I am so sorry about all the filthy things I said about you there, Jason Schwartzman. (From the Wiliamette Week.)
Still on strike.
Day 10.
Here’s our official update on the Fashion Police writer’s strike. It doesn’t include anything about lingering around the free samples table at Trader Joes, but just assume that is implied.
—-
Since we Fashion Police writers went on strike last week our employer has falsely characterized the situation in the media as one which could be easily resolved if only...
3 tags
Please don't work my job while I strike.
Real scabs aren’t cute.
I just went on strike from my job writing for a highly rated cable TV show. That might mean the brilliant comedians I know here online or in real life will be asked to come in and replace the striking workers. There are tons of people that are so funny, and I’d LOVE to have you write on our show - I’ve even recommended some of you for the job in the past. And who knows -...
January 2013
1 post
November 2012
2 posts
Dear Distrustful Voter,
Me too, man. ME. TOO.
Listen, I get it. Anyone who would want to run for president has an evil twisted mind and a god complex. I fully believe that. All these guys are creepy Frankenstein meglomaniacs, getting and giving handjobs to big businesses. Congress too! I’ve seen Mr. Smith Goes to Washington! I’ve seen every documentary that reaffirms your belief that the system is totally...
lauren ashley bishop lives here: i sent my mom an... →
laurenashleybishop:
I want to tell you to not vote for Romney for a lot of reasons.
I want to remind you how devastatingly dishonest he’s been regarding his own finances. How he basically committed a felony in 2009 which is why he won’t release his tax returns for that year.
How he lied blatantly about the auto…
READ IT.
LOVE IT.
VOTE.
October 2012
1 post
Show Me The Funny.
In the past few months there has been a lot of talk about who and what is or isn’t funny. Rape isn’t funny, pathetic women aren’t funny, Aurora isn’t funny, prejudice isn’t funny, and - everyone’s old favorite - women in general just aren’t funny. Every couple of weeks someone says “YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!!!” about something or someone and a debate ensues. Ironically, the only that is definitely NOT...
August 2012
4 posts
June 2012
5 posts
Valiant Starling: Whether you know Brian and Wendy... →
If I have ever made you laugh for free, please send something to brand new little Elliot Valiant Starling and her parents. She had a very bumpy entry into the world - please help show her it’s not all that bad. Her parents are also going through what must be the scariest experience in the world, and it breaks my heart to think about. Elliott was born very early and her medical expenses are...
Rob Delaney: Funny Women →
robdelaney:
The New York Post published an interview with Adam Carolla on Sunday in which he said, among other things, “dudes are funnier than chicks,” and, regarding writing for television, “they make you hire a certain number of chicks, and they’re always the least funny on the writing staff.”
I disagree,…
I agree with everything Rob says here, except the idea that these thoughts are...
Dudes - fix your shitty apartment.
Simple. Masculine. GOOD. You can do this.
A few weeks ago my friends and I went to a party at a guy’s house. This dude and his friends were very cute and funny, with great arms and taste in music - AND YET upon walking into their apartment my pussy dried up and left. It put on it’s little pussy hat and coat and hailed a cab and I haven’t seen it since (so thanks a lot, Kevin.)...
May 2012
2 posts
How to be a Villain
“So what’s the movie about?”
“Oh, its a sort of romantic comedy about a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend, and meets a new girl, and then his ex comes back and she’s a horrible bitch. That’s my role. That is always my role.”
“What? No… you? I don’t see it.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh,...
April 2012
2 posts
“They’re fucking gross, man. Look, I love beautiful girls too. I think everyone...”
– Amy Poehler on American Apparel ads (via youngfolksociety)(via insta-grammar)(via bigundies)
March 2012
7 posts
“We aren’t here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. Stars...”
– Ronnie Cammareri, Moonstruck
Say something funny.
As a professional comedian, I am frequently asked to “say something funny”. You know, like how architects are always asked to “draw something buildingy” at parties. Like how people are always saying “real quick - remove my moles!” to doctors at movie theaters? No? That doesn’t happen? Hm. Weird.
Last week - as I was being wheeled into surgery*, on a...
How to date online
I know, fellas - It’s pretty tricky to figure out how to approach a lady. Even more so online. What do you say?! How much? When? WHY WONT SHE JUST COME OVER AND LOOK AT YOUR DOG AND PENIS?????? Well, as a lady, I have gotten more than a few emails from men online. Based on the emails I have received, here are a few tips for crafting yours:
A good way to stand out from the crowd is to...
October 2011
1 post
Sick.
I want Ryan Gosling to buy me health insurance. Or maybe Mila Kunis.
Here’s the thing - I am sick. I am severely anemic and stuck in the middle of a pretty brutal Ulcerative Colitis flare. I was diagnosed with UC 5 years ago - it’s a chronic, incurable disease that causes inflamation and bleeding ulcers in the large intestine. It often leads to colon cancer. I spend $400 every...
February 2011
2 posts
July 2010
1 post
Top 10 Best “First Dance” Wedding Songs By Prince.
10. Most Beautiful Girl In The World 9. Adore 8. Diamonds and Pearls 7. Purple Rain 6. Darling Nicki 5. Cream 4. Do Me, Baby 3. Gett Off 2. Sexy MF 1. Batdance
